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Having a Bad Day

The California Examiner. March  20, 1998.
Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burnt-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wetsuit, complete with a tank and regulator, fins and mask.
A post-mortem examination revealed that the person died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about determining how a fully equipped diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast - some twenty miles away from the forest.
The fire-fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large buckets. The buckets were dropped into the ocean for rapid filling, then flown to the forest fire and emptied. You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing a breaststroke in a fire bucket 300 feet in the air. Apparently, he extinguished exactly 5’10’’ of the fire.
The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorbike and somehow the engine slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass door and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found her husband lying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle lying next to him and the patio door shattered.
The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported to the hospital the wife uprighted the motorbike and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled onto the floor, the wife got some paper towels, blotted the gasoline, and threw the towel into the toilet. The husband was treated at the hospital and released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle.
He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet, and smoked a cigarette.
After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away, and he was suffering burns to his buttocks, the backs of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burnt himself. She told them, and the paramedics stared laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out.
He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.
The Getaway!
A man walked into a shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the takings were too small, so he tied up the check-out chick and worked the counter himself for three hours, until the police showed up and grabbed him.
Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead. He calmly asked officers to give him an x-ray to help him find his brain which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.
What Did You Say?!
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a line-up. When police asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot!”, the man shouted “That’s not what I said!"

Painful Robbery
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door.
“He was seen hopping and jumping around with an explosion taking place at the top of his pants,” a police spokesperson said. Police have the man’s charred trousers in custody.
Are We Communicating?
A man spoke frantically into the phone. “My wife is pregnant and now her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” the doctor asked.
“No, you idiot!” the man replied. “This is her husband!”
This Is A Hold-Up!
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automatic teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own account.
Will The Real Dummy Please Stand Up
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership.
He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.


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